Birthing Nina

THE BIRTH OF NINA WILDE

AWAKENING

Oh my dear one.

My beloved wounded and near one.

I will not desert you,

When you awakened to who you have become.

Sending unconditional love,

The horror of severed ways and disconnections.

Frantic thoughts,

Truly deep perceptions.

For the million stars!

Which kept you alive.

Orbiting your universe,

My darling you were destined to survive.

Showing up to serve,

In mysterious ways.

Separated, lost, alone.

Now greeting knowing days.

There is nothing to fear.

Return to love,

The journey of grounded yet flying.

Seeing the world from above.

It was the fierceness I remember about fighting for my life, being born.

Knowing I was attached to gadgets which gave those who were saving my life some indication of what was needed to keep me breathing.

My love, my love, my love what was not seen on the inside was nothing that any medical model could define, I have not rested in my search for how to meet with the utmost tenderness and endless compassion - a love to counteract the violence on my mind, body, and spirit from that time. Connecting to a deep remembering of past times of violence, shadow work, oh how I leaned into that work like it was a bottomless well of self-discovery to reclaim all that I was destined to be.

This will be a long BLOG, there’s so much to cover so I’ll do my best at condensing new learnings into digestible chunks.

My poem is the scene setter, the dreams matter, starting point.

The search, for something to identify all the floatiness, violence and beginnings, – all of life’s deep deep knowing and remembering, integrating it.  If learnings aren’t delivered in a way that reaches or resonates with the fierce tenderness in which I hold myself then it’s likely I won’t engage!  There has been enough damage done words wise in disability life to make me not want to hang around places where another word hits me like a bullet to my nervous system, enough of that!

Recognising another way to immerse myself starts with noticing how words feel in my body as I take in the healing process suggested no matter what platform it comes from. 

I was stirred in my bones to look from another angle how I have defended my life with fierce self advocacy which didn’t meet standard ways in which someone might do this.  Not willing to define my life to diagnosis definitions, oh the ache as I’ve searched as a woman to connect past and present.  Trying to not add to the load which I already carried.

And then I was invited to attend a Retreat – looking at Feminine Archetypes – and how they show up for us in life.  I paused, recognising a stirring, a whirring of possibility – this might mean more than my scientific understanding of trauma and how deeply I have immersed myself in understanding all the medicalised ways of my recovery. Flight, fight, freeze – I understand the ways of moving about life in these ways. So I invited something else in:

Witnessing  each other as we danced embodying different archetypes were explored and danced out was a main part of the retreat, I looked at this to re-visit the past where unresolved grief has left me feeling incomplete in the way I needed to embody my past with my future.   Physically I am improving with lots of self-directed exercise, as well as structured exercise physiology, the need for both is ongoing and so rewarding to me, being given the opportunity to move my bones and body in strengthening, releasing ways.

 So I wanted to match emotionally where I am up to, what other ways of looking at the past haven’t I explored?

With love I bring in Nina, a name I have always been drawn to,  so during the retreat we danced in a circle, embodying each archetype in our own way.  My priestess moving with such slow deliberate movement providing mindful ways of moving about the world, observing, protecting and waiting for the right moment to release.  Being moved to screaming a high pitched scream toward the end of my dance, I opened my eyes knowing where that scream came from  another layer released, I nodded to my witness acknowledging her presence. Music shifted as we moved onto the next dance and I shook calmness off before welcoming my wild woman archetype.  A change in witness, dancing freely I shed restriction, self doubt, shame, holding back moving with joy, reclaiming and wanting this moment to replace what no longer serves me.  Remember, remember what I gained from that freedom as I thanked my witness. 

Recounting this now a few weeks later I am still gaining strength from the whole experience, and why the detail – because disability can be so restrictive, not only physically but emotionally – my poetry has not been some fluffy blanket to curl up in – NO – it has been written to set me free with all the archetypes I learned about on this retreat for the full spectrum woman, each of us on our own journey of discovery.

I came away from the retreat pondering lots about myself, about life, about disability inclusion, and growth.

But mostly I thought about the lack of people in my days throughout my life to have a conversation with about ourselves as women and celebrate without self-judgement ancient knowing.  In the disability world I’m in there is a mix of people and my involvement is mostly about feeling well in the community, sharing with the utmost highest intention for the interaction, with additions of co-design when I am invited to share my knowledge.

But this retreat was needed for me in a different way.  I could reframe and be witnessed in a whole new light and as I’m sitting here typing, I’m reminded of the growth from the retreat.

 DROPS OF SUNSHINE

Like drops of sunshine,

In my heart.

My sisters helped me weave magical art.

With celebrated,

Embodied dance.

Tears and laughter,

In loves expanse.

Oh the ache of separation, from what was known.

Since our formation.

Stay with each other,

Lift and sway.

Hold onto golden,

Shares of the day.

Nurture them:

As part of the potion.

We need it all,

For our devotion.

Sisters need not plant…

To set another heart,

Up for doubt.

Scripts from the start;

If there’s disconnect,

She’ll live in fear,

Do not brew trouble!

Life will gift her that my dear….

And I beg!! Let us not!

Be fake in our exchanges.

Constellations, rearrange us.

Shade with clouds.

Flow with rainbows.

Own the story,

From which our lives grow.

Face the fire!

Grow strong in pain, pace yourself,

Do not refrain,

From leaning in.

To the glorious mess,

Mixed blood and bones.

Surrendered and transfixed,

Always remember and protect like a shaman.

Our seasoned, embodied,

Full spectrum woman.

After the retreat, I had a photoshoot to continue the momentum of embracing new growth, birthing Nina.

Seeing myself for the first time in the photos, I was speechless -  in a good way! So moved by the many ways I was presented in the pictures, really shaking off and letting go. Really seeing the distance between the story of my life, past, present and future reflecting from the screen. Change takes as long as it takes. And while going through the process of emerging bringing as much peace as possible into the world took some time. I’ve been busy delivering pieces of my past life to the right place, at the right time and in the right way. All for the purpose - to begin again.

How blessed have I been to be born in abundance, healing, and love.  It begins here, with each breath in and out, each word thought, said, written, and remembered.

With love Nina Wilde