Preparation…..

I’m wondering if I should prepare my audience for a blog that doesn’t feel like it’s going to be uplifting, inspirational, motivational or bring joy. I don’t know.

I’m currently midway through my second last day of isolation after what has been a very mild dose of Covid.

I’m thankful I had somewhere private to stay over the last week - not my home - but private in regards I didn’t need to be too concerned about running into people. I had space to isolate.

I let the feelings of fever and tiredness from Covid take their course over the first couple of days and then I began to let that feeling of isolation, not talking to anyone, not being seen by anyone, sink into my body and I’ve taken a few days to understand why I needed to just feel it, not push it away, see it run its course which has led me to this blog.

Having grown up isolated in a small rural community. I heard myself growing up answering questions about any socialisation with matter of fact responses:

“Oh no, we live out of town”

“It costs too much money in petrol”

“No, we’re not allowed”

And I would wonder why those responses or even the questions which led to those responses bought about SO MUCH SHAME AND UNWORTHINESS! It was like I was explaining my invisibility away…..it’s okay, just watch me disappear!

I remember the feeling of burning in my chest as I tried to explain what I myself didn’t understand.

So do I need to write about some sort of warning about this uncomfortable topic - or do I just write and explain how social occasions for me were. The opportunity to be social when I was growing up felt like tying a ribbon on a present. And I can only frame it like that once I discovered how beautiful it was to give someone a gift with a bow, tied by me, wrapped around the present. The occasion of tying a bow was made extra amazing after my stroke took away…..well let’s just say took away.

Would that rush of social connection, warmth, and belonging be enough to get me through the isolation of my return home when I was a child? This last week has highlighted to me how I used to prepare for that onslaught of LONELINESS and ISOLATION.

First: I’d recognise that I’d feel sad as I said goodbye, I’d feel myself go a bit floppy and faint turning away from people

Second: I’d start to feel all jumpy inside, my heart would beat extra fast

Third: I’d feel the heat and burn in my body as I tried to slow down my heart rate and try to breathe deeply to stop the tears which sparked behind confused eyes

Fourth: I’d wonder why I would be called quiet when I was patient for those around me to recognise just how special I viewed social occasions, and a social occasion could for me be as simple and complicated as getting groceries.

I understand how I also looked around my surroundings for safety, people safety. With good reason.

So I’ll be heading out of isolation on Monday and I’ll be in isolation for Mother’s Day tomorrow. Thanks to technology - I’ll be able to talk to my crew. I’ve been thinking about how as a young parent I used to have a mental checklist, are my kids clean, warm, safe, and seen. Were they able to live without the SHAME of being invisible?

I’ve processed lots I think over this last week, had some deep nights of sleep, and woken up with a seriousness of what I’d thought about while sleeping, or what I’d woken up thinking about. I’ve prepared myself to return to the community on Monday with that recognition again of what isolation does to me and how I view/feel connection.

NOTHING ENDS

Nothing ends

It changes shape

Moves its way around into a different space

Energy

Reach me

Teach me

Shapes and spaces

Beautiful places

Be safe, be seen and heard

Sue

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