30 years later…becoming well.
BECOMING WELL
Have you ever watched a fern leaf
Uncurling in slow motion
Becoming well is a bit like that
But with far more raw emotion
Green for growth, water on Earth
A droplet makes a difference
Sometimes the stalling is unending
Becoming well is intermittent!
A feeling doesn’t sometimes match
A sleek and shiny advertisement
But the reaction from my heart sings
It’s love for the very moment
Becoming well is energy, it’s flow
And recognising all that was
A loving heart will hold the hurt
Breathe in deeply just because.
Around this time of year, my body inside and out becomes shaky. Memories cause physical and emotional discomfort, I cry suddenly from the recollection of being ignored and misunderstood, being left out and for the collective of people that this happens to - there’s no magic wand that changes the past and I lean into self-care, self-worth, and ride the shock waves. I’m finding it hard to smile at the moment, so I turn to a narrative that might make me feel better. I’m trying.
I TRIED
I tried and it worked
I tried and it…..didn’t work
I tried and was ignored
I tried and was called inspirational
I tried and was laughed at
I tried and was lifted up
I tried and was nervous
I tried and was contented
I tried and was confused
I tried and was relieved
I tried and
I tried again.
30 years ago - I tried to be a good patient, because not responding, and not showing my drive or determination meant falling to the back of the to-do list of the rehab line - for good! Including the photo of the “you must be the change you want to see in the world”. Becoming well is not just for me but it is for the inclusion of beautiful souls who try every second of every day to be more than a diagnosis.
I want so much to let out paragraph after paragraph of falling down gaps, but it does me no good, it will only exhaust me further. Poetry - right now I wish someone would read out one of my poems to me, to fill me up! No one’s ever offered to read any of my poems to me and I’m left wondering - am I changing anything?
FIND GOLD
When life feels weighty
Find gold
Imagine weaving threads of glitter into the most beautiful artwork which lifts your spirits.
Connecting universal energy
Weave glitter into magical music
Spin it into colorful flowers
Stir spoonfuls lovingly into soup
Give glitter to the work project that takes up too much of your time
Sprinkle it onto the footpath as you pass by
Smile supremely to all you meet
Catch glitter in the conversation you have about not being good enough
Make a shift so subtle that when you discover gold, you wonder how come you didn’t see the treasure all along!
Be the gold in someone’s day when they are struggling to find it for themselves
Turn glitter into gold and share it freely.
And I go back to the line
“Catch glitter in the conversation you have about not being good enough. “ My whole life consists of that very conversation and that’s a very stubborn narrative to shift - add to it the collective disability language which is founded on “failure”. Maybe it is clear how I need to do somersaults and backflips to push through the moments of sadness.
It’s an everyday commitment and I’m trying hard to smile.
Sue :-)