32 YEARS GONE BY……

There goes another year and memories appear like it was yesterday as I revisit my memoir which is getting closer to the point I am happy with.

AMMUNITION

I am ammunition,

In this fractured world

In the right position

Waiting to be hurled

The fuse it’s lit so frequently

It burns flickers and sputters

A black twine long and winding

Sparks from the fuse.. they sputter

Protection from this line of fire

Protection from the heat

Heat that leaves a scorching mark

Burns and pain which cannot speak

To diffuse this ammunition

To set free the scorching spark

Attempts ongoing shaping life

Never quite hitting the mark

Will it ever be extinguished

What purpose would that be?

Instead, it’s carried safely a glowing spark inside of me.

I take that spark as purpose in the way I advocate with integrity - when I am pushed and poked to question why I do what I do, I rise up.

When I first sat opposite a counsellor five or six years after my stroke, I was frozen. The power imbalance included:

ME COUNSELLOR

Female - 28 Male 40+

Many communication difficulties No communication difficulties

Hypervigilance at the lack of awareness he had A systemised approach to

of my communication difficulties gathering information
Protecting my every move!!! Reading my every move
Being triggered - emotional overwhelm Continual challenge to the

point of bullying!!

I look back at the HOPE I’d gone into the session with and how during this session the counsellor saying how I would be good for another colleague he worked with at the community health centre with who’d had a stroke. At this point I wanted to run screaming out of the room as he lolled back in his chair, legs spread, watching me with a bored expression on his face.

I still remember his name, the lay out of the room and my passive presentation. Best to lay low. I knew if I didn’t attend then I would be chastised by my Doctor. I was in a corner and I felt every cell in my body rise to protect me from his ammunition…. Medusa above is a very fitting visual of the fierceness I felt at the time.

Sooo, 32 years later the balance of living with, leaning into and loving life despite knowing that my experience of heading out into the world each day is through a trauma/disability lens is my very powerful, truthful reality. Soften that harshness with my dedication to practising mindfulness meditation, self-compassion and gratitude.

I don’t always get it right - the times when I feel ableism around me most is when I retreat/react from a place of feeling lack. But I keep my focus on:

RISE

Rise with a beginner’s mind

And see what the day will bring

Each cell vibrating in cloud

To hear each other sing

A beginner’s mind protects and leads

To find a way beyond

Pain resonating from the past

Swim in a clearer pond

Since 2018 I have been totally disillusioned at the life I’d built since my stroke being torn apart, my reduction to boxes. So flattened at times to think my efforts had all been for nothing, I would not let my children think that their mum was anything less than their provider, cheerleader, and comforter. I would always believe in them no matter what - unconditional love. I continued to write with passion for my wounded spirit.

BECAUSE I WAS DELIGHTED

Someone wanted to know why I smiled at the grey

Well, it’s because I was delighted - what else is there to say!

When I rose to greet a day so very ordinary

I really felt delighted

That life was so extraordinary

An open heart has grace for a pause to hide

An open mind has space

BREATHE…..For the most delightful ride.

I

Enter: happy runner