Connection

TAKE ME BACK

Taken

Take me back

To feeling like I mean something

In my undeveloped state

Before this happened

This disconnect - this pain - this shame

I’m trying to make a timeline

But it’s so……..messy!

I need people, places, memories, feelings to connect me

I’m talking about moments and interaction with people that are imprinted by a feeling

I still feel your presence

Your smile

Your energy

I take that energy and I build a picture in my mind of how that connection helped my body heal

It helped then and it helps now

It’s the unseen but remembered moments that will rebuild that disconnect

Thank you for being a part of those moments

They help me to heal.

I’ve been surprised over the last few weeks - a few people from my past have contacted me. Old school acquaintances - I’ve laughed out loud at some of the memories which this bought up. What are their memories of me - I know what mine are of them, or of those moments of interaction.

I remember a few of those people visiting me after my stroke, I saw their reaction to me as they walked through the door and I rose to the occasion. In that moment I imagined I was the same as the last time when I saw them or when I remembered happier times. I tried to visualise moments of me laughing with a person, enjoying the moment. Because by doing this I felt the energy rise in my body putting me in that space and time.

I need to make it clear just how close I felt I was to death. I went to sleep of a night, saying good-bye to life because I wasn’t sure if I’d wake up in the morning. So my mind was playing flip flops - from survival of the moment by reminding myself to breathe to reaching back into memories which connected me to the world I knew and was returning to with passing day.

Reflecting how my loss of language and ability to communicate may have been documented has always been something I’ve wanted to know. I would like to add my interpretation to those notes.

NOT BEING ABLE TO COMUNICATE BLOCKED THE ABILITY TO DEMOSTRATE I HAD INSIGHT TO MY OWN CIRCUMSTANCES.

It took away any chance I had of connecting to myself and the world around me.

And so I am still needing to block narratives in my head from that time….

“You’ve got it everywhere!” said to me by a nurse wheeling me over the toilet to clean me

“Just concentrate!” said to me by a speech pathologist as I tried to read to her.

“It’s going to be hard” said to me before I left rehab

“You can have a brand new life” said to me as I left rehab

“You’ll feel so much better once you have your licence” the thought of driving terrified me, this was a goal set by someone else, by a system - way before I thought I was ready to drive.

“Did you think about that!” trying to go about daily life was difficult and I frequently made mistakes. I just wanted someone to help me, hear me.

“Maybe there was something wrong with your baby” said to me when people didn’t know how to say “I’m sorry you lost your baby”

“You’re young, you can have another baby” said to me by so many people

“You’re so depressed!” said to me by a friend

“Go to the Dr” we all know what that Dr did

“You’re useless”……no comment

This narrative continued to add to my shame. Was I not supposed to want to be included in life? Was I in the too hard basket at 23 years old?

I wondered why people were so unkind and wondered what they would do if they walked a day in my shoes. So I continued to be kind and caring. It seemed to be the only way I could find some connection and peace from the past.

Connection - we are social beings, let’s be kind in social situations. We never know what has gone on in someone’s day.

Kindness helps create connection and I continued on with life forever wondering what lay over the next horizon.