Returning in 2026

“This too will pass,” I repeated to myself, letting that feeling resonate from the tips of my toes to the crown of my head.

I wanted to be responsible for my own body, and I didn’t know how to express the cyclone raging through my being other than by saying just that. Is that even a valid symptom? A cyclone raging through my body, while I was someone trying to go about everyday life, so I continued to repeat, “ This too will pass” to myself, while searching for information and practical ways of helping the cyclone to move along.

I began to wonder where the gentle flow of life had gone, “It will return” I repeated to myself.

“You are the only one thinking these thoughts, you are the only one feelings these feelings” Ugh - I would not wish this on anyone! “However you are not alone.”

I didn’t want to bring anyone into my cyclone, trying to be boring, dull and completely uninteresting to others. The loneliness that involved made me feel even worse, but I persevered .

So, ever so slowly I’ve been returning to myself, the cyclone not so present, the pain not so much, the history still there, the future a steady minute by minute happening. And I still need to frame it in my voice, not in terms that distance me further and sound jarring and harsh to my emerging self.

A few places and voices that have helped me along the way to my return:

My adult children

FULL STOP - helpline

BLUE KNOT - helpline

STROKELINE - helpline

ABC Classic Mindful Music with Greta Bradman

Kind people in the community, who have no idea how a smile might make my day.

My own investigations into what works for me what doesn’t work for me.

The birds, trees, water, sky and air.

Art and poetry

Yoga with Kassandra (on line) and my yoga mat.

The gym and online gym workouts and my at home weights

My joggers

Park Run

Applied neuro on line

Reframe words like hack and shortcut to ongoing, perseverance, and commitment.

A few kind health professionals who listened.

As a survivor of sexual assault experienced in the health system a long time ago - I navigate the health world with immense caution. That is ongoing - there is not a hack or shortcut to live with the ongoing discomfort this brings. I do meditate, and that helps ground me.

The longer I live, the longer I see the impact of that moment spreading out in my life, impacting so much. The impact on life as I hopped skipped and jumped out of the way of that system, I’m so aware of how avoidant it looked and I’m so aware of how self-protective I was.

My words and ways may be judged and scorned. When I read Grace Tame’s memoir and I read about the explicit detail of her abuse I felt something rage within me. The feeling of resistance as she wrote about the continued abuse in a system in plain sight but hidden. I knew that feeling, hidden abuse in plain sight.

I take small gratitudes for what they are and make them enormous to fill the space of loss/ grief and that helps.

NOTHING ENDS

Nothing ends.

It changes shape.

Moves it’s way around,

Into a different space.

Energy reach me !

Teach me !

Shapes and spaces

Beautiful places.

Nina xx

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