Letting it go, letting it be…..
It’s hard to recover in an open forum, it’s hard to recover in privacy. It’s hard to recover when outside influences interrupt my internal dialogue doing my best to work out exactly what it is that’s the issue. It’s hard when everything seems so hard!
I keep track of what I express over an issue and then everything seems to come together to make a bit more sense. I can’t exactly put into words what’s going on mostly, it’s more of an acknowledgment of emotions, feelings and awareness that I am processing. I always give other people space and time to work themselves out and become a little bewildered if I am not given the same space and time to work things out my way.
I’ve recently been assisted to put in an application to NDIS, how hard was that! Seeing the deficit language used to describe me. I don’t know if the application will be accepted. But what this process did to me was put me deep in reflection of looking at all the attitudes, barriers, obstacles I have come across in my life and how shamed I felt about the negativity surrounding my lived experience. How limited that made me feel.
I’ve helped co-facilitate a couple of sessions recently where people with lived experience of stroke have been free to share their views on what information would have helped and how they needed it delivered. It got me thinking about how the lack of information, the bad information and lack of awareness distanced me from help seeking back in the 1990’s. Knowledge of the time did not reflect what I needed.
A part of my current pain has been acknowledging that I still carry that past pain, I’ve not been able to find adequate ways to get to the bottom of WHY. Until a few of my recent feelings and thoughts led me to thinking about how hurtful that all was back in the day and again I repeated to myself that phrase "Was, back in the day”. And then I continued on thinking - but I am not back in the day anymore - yes I needed to go there, feel that pain, see how it influenced me - but I do not want it to shape my future, or not allow me to embrace change.
I choose to understand my past beliefs and how they were shaped. I choose to understand that I am allowed to embrace change.
Peace and happiness
Sue :-)
