Returning

NOTHING ENDS

Nothing ends

It changes shape

Moves it’s way around into a different space

Energy

Reach me

Teach me

Shapes and spaces

Beautiful places

Returning from beyond this world when I had my stroke - oh what a strange return. Opening my eyes to share the mystery of beyond and finding there was no way I could begin to explain the sacred places I had been to. Returning in a body which simply didn’t work the way I needed it to. Investigating my body with sensation as the only clue to recognise I was VERY injured. I wanted to love, care and tend to all my wounds and only wanted to hear talk in ways of love. A bit of a conundrum as to how to go about this need to care for myself with needles protruding from my bruised, disconnected being , with strange sounding diagnosis’s, with worry from those around me, with negativity. With distance from this world I needed to connect if I was going to survive.

The terror from that disconnect made my heart shrink and I grasped onto my own lifeline in the centre of my chest. Like a clenched fist sitting right in the middle of my breast bone. With every breath it seemed like I was needing to push air through that tightly clenched fist. How did it feel when I inhaled through that clenched fist - warm and loving.

I’ve read a lot about grasping in relation to life. It kind of confused me thinking about - had I done something wrong? I was grasping onto myself, holding onto life in a tightly clenched fist from that hospital bed. Going forward from that point was always about “staying in this world.”

Surrendering to the day’s of physical rehabilitation and no emotional support or recognition of the deep disconnect happening inside me.

Surrendering……I write this remembering when I surrendered to this process. Lying in my rehab bed trying to gain a glimpse of the night sky through a gap between heavy curtains and a window sill. Letting go of any expectation that I was going to survive.

Stress from unaddressed trauma in life has not served me well.

Recognition that I needed to heal my body of that stress, of course I recognised that it was essential for my health to be as stress free as possible.

Mindfulness

Meditation

Gratitude

Reflecting

Counselling

Expression of emotion

Exercise

STRETCHING with awareness

Sleep

Focus and curiosity

Self education and exploration

A sense of purpose and contribution

Compassion in my daily interactions

Simplifying my life as much as possible

Getting real about what was important to me

Support from people who had the ability to provide space for me heal

Feeling and acknowledging progression and connection

Not over identifying with any one symptom, just recognising how living with unaddressed trauma shows up to tend to it as best as I could

Life wants us, needs us, we deserve to feel included, worthy and that is a life worth returning for.

Christmas is around the corner - what did I take away from this time of year when I grew up. For me it was the messages on Christmas Cards, it still is. Those words of possibility return me to a state of graciousness for the gift of life. A place I want to return to.

With love and peace

Sue